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Thursday, May 8, 2008

I AM WHO I AM.........

Every day when i wake up, the first thing I do is to search fr my tattered green tooth-brush……n after 2 and a half min of hard work with it ….i look fr my watch….n then fr my notebooks wch I got to carry to the classroom. Many a times its only aftr reaching my fav classroom I realize tht I shld hv kept my eyes open, while selecting notebooks wch I hd to carry fr the day….!!!

N hr I am in the classroom trying to gather a few bits n pieces of knowledge out of zillions of it being constantly thrown at us, while searching fr lost ones…!! cometh lab time…the time when I embark on a new journey, a journey to seek verifiable results. Bt as ubiquitous Murphy would agree, the results seemed to elude me till eternity.

Its only in the midnight admits the tranquility of the darkness I ask myslf wht am I really searching…??? Is it the search fr notebooks or the watch, is it the scattered pieces of knowledge or verifiable results…??? I guess nt….all I am searching at the end of the day is jst MYSELF ”….!!! Who is ths ME…?? Whn I look beyond the obvious… I hv no answers, all I hv is Myslf…!!! I hv already spent a total of 8854 days wth myslf to be precise bt almost each day I hv got new glimpse of “Myslf ”. All I understand is tht I am such miniscule piece in ths unimaginable stretch of the Cosmos.
Probably my search may nvr be fertile & I may nvr gt to find myself. Probably we r nt meant to knw it. Bt wht I do knw is tht I wl continue the pursuit…….the pursuit of not only “ MYSLF ” bt “ INNER SELF ” as well. All I cn say is .......................I AM WHO I AM.............

9:46 am DOG......

Spatial location: 28.38N 77.13E probably a few meters above sea level
Time: 9.46 am

Jst outside my karakoram hostel I saw a dog bathing in sunshine all alone & gazing at the closest star to our planet. Hs eyes hd the glare n reflected the light like the tranquil waters reflecting the blue sky above. Nothng seemed to vex hm…. But ws really anything on hs mind….??
if nt then hw I wished I ws like hm….having nothng on my mind, detached frm the past n hidden frm the future….hvng complete peace of mind. How I wished I ws a resistor (of any value…)…..who’s present is governed by just hs present experiences & nt by hs past or future….i envy u all resistors…!!!!

We constantly hv voice in our mind shouting n screaming & occasionally civilized n singing. Its really hard to forget things one wnts to…. Wht I cn do most is run….bt I dnt intent to run away frm my past, I jst wnt a few moments in wch I cld imbibe the feeling of void n nullity….i mght be miles away frm it …bt I hv something wch those stupid resistors lack…..The power to LIVE…n I am surely gng to live my LIFE my own way….!!!!!!!!!!!

Ilusive Beauty....??

“Life is beautiful….” that's what most people would say…!!! There is so much of beauty all around us, Delhi is one such place where beauty refuses to set with the setting sun ….beauty which will enthrall and leave u dumbfounded….its something wch will drive us to a world so pretty n attractive….a world full of delusions & illusions…a world where your thoughts are taken over by imagination & actions by dreams….a world with so much of light that can easily make one go blind…!! where we reach a state in which we understand the world no more than the creepy little insects dwelling in our houses & care no mare than cats and dogs in the streets (No offence to Cats and Dogs though). I call this world a Mirage subspace ".

But I ask is tht all, is it the ultimate search…?? is that the sole reason we r here….?? if we somehow manage to peek and look beyond this world we will come across a world totally different……a world where there is more darkness than the darkest of nights with no ray of hope. A world so turbulent that it can sink the biggest of ships & the strongest of minds. A world plagued by poverty & pauperization….this is what I happen to see almost everyday midst all the beautiful faces when I lay my feet outside my hostel gate….

I see small kids shivering & literally shaking in the cold with barely anything on there body…….& I have shivers down my body when they still manage to have a smile on their faces & innocence in their eyes. I see toddlers scrambling across the streets with news papers n magazines, trying to please & convince beautiful faces. I see them deprived from light of pedagogy & pushed In the depths of poverty & ignorance. I see the hunger & desperation on their faces and think how barbaric has life been to them & then I see myself just to realize how lucky I am. How lucky I am to have almost everything I ever wanted, probably got more than I deserved & still have a never ending list of kvetches……we are so preoccupied with our lives & our petty problems that we often overlook a world so close to us.

But is it our inability to look beyond the “ Mirage subspace ” into the veridical world..?? Or is it our perpetual fear of that direful world that keeps us nescient of the truths. I believe it’s the latter that keeps us unwitting. It is the fear of cognizing a world, that compels us to live midst mirages & illusions. Bt I think its time that we free ourselves from clutches of any such fear & embrace the world close by. How do we get rid of the fear…?? I cn’t tell u that because I don’t have  any clue, it is said tht We can never see past the choices we cn't understand “ but what I know for certainty is that our fear lies in our mind & we control our minds. So if we all do our midget bit we can certainly bring happiness in the lives of people who have been dwelling beneath dense dark clouds of utter sorrows . 

I firmly believe in Causality, every cause draws an effect & every good cause will certainly result in positive effect. Just imagine if could bring smile even on a single face our worthless life may get a entirely new meaning. Just imagine if could impregnate light into even a single life, the kind of brightness & joy it will bring in our lives. But like all good things it too demands immense courage, will & sacrifice and those who manage to fulfill it, will not only make their lives worth but may even experience a beauty far more enchanting & enthralling than any…………………………………………………………….